Called the winner last week, by the way. Thanks unsubtle promotional teaser editing! The only thing lacking was WE'RE USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY in big flashing letters.
Anyhoo, we are down to Young, Kymia, and Sara J. They get some advice: Young is told to leave "the PC parade home", which means that we won't get a fourteen-hour performance piece about how 9/11 was upsetting. Thanks, Judge Bill! China Chow is dressed like a plastic blueberry.
Simon hits the road in his Fiat, first visiting Illinois. (He pronounces the s in Illinois.) There he meets Young, who lives with his mother and his boyfriend. Mom does not seem thrilled by this. Young's art involves a guard post by the Blue House—that's South Korea's presidential residence. Simon finds it very meh, but only because he has eyes. It looked like the beginning of a TARDIS costume someone might wear to the Worldcon Masquerade. Young also has several of his late father's shirts, and Simon likes those. Not to wear or anything—indeed until just now Simon wasn't aware that one could buy a man's shirt for a two-digit sum. Anyway, it's very boring, and Simon says as much.
Then we're back to Manhattan and Kymia. Kymia, the waitress, lives in Manhattan?? Ah, she has a boyfriend, and he's a big fat hairy dork. Damn, does that mean I could have had a chance with Kymia? Anyway, he's a bartender and a freelance photographer, so I'm still confused at how they manage a Manhattan rent when Kymia lets slip that they live with the boyfriend's parents. They're so thrilled they don't even appear on camera.
Kymia's art involves her spiritual beliefs, which she just made up because the teachings of the Great Zoroaster aren't wacky enough. Simon likes one painting, and finds one of her sculptures—a very Kymiaesque figure with diamonds popping out of her eyes—ridiculous. Finally, Simon is giving the artesants good advice. He says that if Kymia wants to exhibit fifteen pieces, she has fourteen more to make. Kymia bursts into tears. I wouldn't want to be her fat hairy dork boyfriend that evening!
Then we're off to Brooklyn and Sara J. She has a boyfriend too, and he's a giant lumberjack. Then we see her art, which also has a spiritual dimension—it uses the mystery of Catholic confession as its theme. And like all true Catholics, she dressed up like a papier-mâché bird and videotaped herself harassing street people for their confessions. She shows Simon the video and I swear that for a moment we've all been transported to Vatican City. She also has some paintings, which are shitty. Simon tells her to junk them.
Finally, the artists are all together and are enjoying one another's company, just three girls giggling and hugging. Then it's time to set up their gallery showings. Sara J. is cool. Not cool as is in hip, but cool as in cucumbers. Unshakable, and her new stuff is much better. She has one great sculpture—a big white cage from which fly innumerable paper cranes, also white. On the other hand, she covered some lingerie in human hair, to represent lust. I guess she's not been using the 50%-off Groupon Brazilian wax deals I get sent three times a week. On the third hand (it's art, I can have as many as I like!) she has a stunning/shocking/weird piece made of two-sided tape and her own skin cells. She basically taped her body and hung the smudged, contaminated result. It's fascinating and hideous and wonderful and if it was a one-piece challenge she would have won, easily.
Young is constantly futzing with video and slide projection, and his great idea is to hang his father's shirt on a line and tape photos of his father to them. As if to say, "GO ON JUDGES, MOCK MY DEAD FATHER WHO DIED OF CANCER! I'VE GOT A WHOLE NEW PARADE!" He also has shots of his boyfriend mixed in, which will be very embarrassing in six months when the show airs and Young already has a new boyfriend thanks to having been on television. He also builds a shrine to his father, claiming that he used the things he found in his father's pockets, like candy. He says this while hefting a ten-pound gumball sculpture onto the shrine. Well, now we know that Red Dye No. 5 is a carcinogen!
Kymia flips out about every little thing, including some pedestals which are six inches too short on either end. Some gay men in tight t-shirts fix them, and so she is able to display her piles of sticks, and top soil, and glitter. Is the top soil and glitter supposed to be a tribute to Edward Cullen? Her drawings and paintings are really good, but she did name her show "Not For Long, My Forlorn" perhaps in the hope of gainingthe idiot Judge Bill's vote. Kymia also has a story about her dead Iranian father visiting her in a dream.
Everyone shows up for the final gallery showing. Sucklord gives Judge Jerry an action figure that looks just like him, and another that glows in the dark. At the crit, Judge Bill complains that Sara J's piece is more like a "short story collection" than a single narrative, because of course all novels are better than all short story collections? Judge Jerry looks ready to headbutt Bill silly, and he should. The guest judge isa twelve-year-old boy KAWS, the pop artist who loves everyone and everything because he's on TV. I'm pleased to find out that he's from Jersey City! Represent! Also, Sucklord so wants to be him. Judge Jerry is dubious about Young's platform. Judge Bill is dubious about some of Kymia's smaller drawings, perhaps because they don't remind him of novels. He knows novels are important because at the airport he sees smart people reading them. China Chow says that her dead Asian father is also dead, just like Young's dead Asian father. Neither of these dead Asian fathers have appeared in any dreams recently, so clearly Young is fucked.
Sara comes in third. She cries only a little. Young, who already won $50,000 from various preliminary challenges, comes in second. He's cool with it. Kymia wins and cries, but these are tears of joy! She had all of fifty bucks to her name (I blame her boyfriend), but now she has a cool hundred grand!
And we'll never hear from her again.
PS: As it turns out, Chef Lindsay on Top Chef is Greek! Now I have someone to root for.
Anyhoo, we are down to Young, Kymia, and Sara J. They get some advice: Young is told to leave "the PC parade home", which means that we won't get a fourteen-hour performance piece about how 9/11 was upsetting. Thanks, Judge Bill! China Chow is dressed like a plastic blueberry.
Simon hits the road in his Fiat, first visiting Illinois. (He pronounces the s in Illinois.) There he meets Young, who lives with his mother and his boyfriend. Mom does not seem thrilled by this. Young's art involves a guard post by the Blue House—that's South Korea's presidential residence. Simon finds it very meh, but only because he has eyes. It looked like the beginning of a TARDIS costume someone might wear to the Worldcon Masquerade. Young also has several of his late father's shirts, and Simon likes those. Not to wear or anything—indeed until just now Simon wasn't aware that one could buy a man's shirt for a two-digit sum. Anyway, it's very boring, and Simon says as much.
Then we're back to Manhattan and Kymia. Kymia, the waitress, lives in Manhattan?? Ah, she has a boyfriend, and he's a big fat hairy dork. Damn, does that mean I could have had a chance with Kymia? Anyway, he's a bartender and a freelance photographer, so I'm still confused at how they manage a Manhattan rent when Kymia lets slip that they live with the boyfriend's parents. They're so thrilled they don't even appear on camera.
Kymia's art involves her spiritual beliefs, which she just made up because the teachings of the Great Zoroaster aren't wacky enough. Simon likes one painting, and finds one of her sculptures—a very Kymiaesque figure with diamonds popping out of her eyes—ridiculous. Finally, Simon is giving the artesants good advice. He says that if Kymia wants to exhibit fifteen pieces, she has fourteen more to make. Kymia bursts into tears. I wouldn't want to be her fat hairy dork boyfriend that evening!
Then we're off to Brooklyn and Sara J. She has a boyfriend too, and he's a giant lumberjack. Then we see her art, which also has a spiritual dimension—it uses the mystery of Catholic confession as its theme. And like all true Catholics, she dressed up like a papier-mâché bird and videotaped herself harassing street people for their confessions. She shows Simon the video and I swear that for a moment we've all been transported to Vatican City. She also has some paintings, which are shitty. Simon tells her to junk them.
Finally, the artists are all together and are enjoying one another's company, just three girls giggling and hugging. Then it's time to set up their gallery showings. Sara J. is cool. Not cool as is in hip, but cool as in cucumbers. Unshakable, and her new stuff is much better. She has one great sculpture—a big white cage from which fly innumerable paper cranes, also white. On the other hand, she covered some lingerie in human hair, to represent lust. I guess she's not been using the 50%-off Groupon Brazilian wax deals I get sent three times a week. On the third hand (it's art, I can have as many as I like!) she has a stunning/shocking/weird piece made of two-sided tape and her own skin cells. She basically taped her body and hung the smudged, contaminated result. It's fascinating and hideous and wonderful and if it was a one-piece challenge she would have won, easily.
Young is constantly futzing with video and slide projection, and his great idea is to hang his father's shirt on a line and tape photos of his father to them. As if to say, "GO ON JUDGES, MOCK MY DEAD FATHER WHO DIED OF CANCER! I'VE GOT A WHOLE NEW PARADE!" He also has shots of his boyfriend mixed in, which will be very embarrassing in six months when the show airs and Young already has a new boyfriend thanks to having been on television. He also builds a shrine to his father, claiming that he used the things he found in his father's pockets, like candy. He says this while hefting a ten-pound gumball sculpture onto the shrine. Well, now we know that Red Dye No. 5 is a carcinogen!
Kymia flips out about every little thing, including some pedestals which are six inches too short on either end. Some gay men in tight t-shirts fix them, and so she is able to display her piles of sticks, and top soil, and glitter. Is the top soil and glitter supposed to be a tribute to Edward Cullen? Her drawings and paintings are really good, but she did name her show "Not For Long, My Forlorn" perhaps in the hope of gaining
Everyone shows up for the final gallery showing. Sucklord gives Judge Jerry an action figure that looks just like him, and another that glows in the dark. At the crit, Judge Bill complains that Sara J's piece is more like a "short story collection" than a single narrative, because of course all novels are better than all short story collections? Judge Jerry looks ready to headbutt Bill silly, and he should. The guest judge is
Sara comes in third. She cries only a little. Young, who already won $50,000 from various preliminary challenges, comes in second. He's cool with it. Kymia wins and cries, but these are tears of joy! She had all of fifty bucks to her name (I blame her boyfriend), but now she has a cool hundred grand!
And we'll never hear from her again.
PS: As it turns out, Chef Lindsay on Top Chef is Greek! Now I have someone to root for.