When last we left the gang from Star Trek, the wacky kids had King Ralphed themselves into the command chairs of Enterprise and everybody loved them despite all the junk with timelines and Vulcan blowing up and such. And then things get a whole lot worse. In the movie, and as the movie that is.
And now Kirk and crew are trying to shut down a volcano by dropping some "cold fusion" into it. (Note for non-scientists: cold fusion isn't stuff that freezes lava.) And this being Star Trek they just use their transporter, uh, I mean tractor beam, no no one of the many probes the ship is outfitted with, or was it a remotely piloted shuttle...nope, crew is in the shuttle for some reason, and they decide to lower Spock down, via a cable, with the magic beer cooler and then he has to press a button while down there amidst all the lava because egg timers haven't been invented in the 23rd century and and...
Anyway, this is an extremely stupid movie.
So the Enterprise is under the ocean—all the better to be killed by the volcano one supposes—and Kirk does something reckless and the Prime Directive is broken so he gets demoted down to junior cockface, first class. But, luckily, some random guy blows up an important Starfleet pile of bullshit with his explosive Alka Seltzer school ring in exchange for his daughter's life being saved by the magic blood of Bandersnatch Cummerband, ACTOR. Now, why didn't Joe Random just call the cops after getting the blood into his daughter, or even just kill himself? Well, I dunno. Anyway, it hardly matters because that's all just a trick to get a bunch of top Starfleet assholes together so that Bandersnatch can fly around in his stupid space-helicopter and shoot at them all because had he used the school ring trick twice it actually would have worked. Instead, Captain Pike dies and it's King Ralph all over again!
Kirk is back in charge of the Enterprise and he's after Bandersnatch, who is hiding out on the Klingon plant of Kronos, waiting to be captured so that he can start a war, which is odd because Bandersnatch really just wants his popsicled pals from 300 years ago, and they're on Earth and shit...aren't they? But Uhura gets to speak Klingon because test audiences like it when chicks do shit in the first act and help the heroes and such, but then all the Klingons die because Bandersnatch shows up because as it turns out his 71 fellow genetically gifted fuckfaces were actually smuggled onto The Enterprise inside photon torpedos. This is the space equivalent of shoving a balloon full of cocaine up your rectum, by the way—very dangerous.
One good thing about this movie, and I'll mention it now, is that it follows the original series in its anti-military theme. Though Starfleet was outfitted with phasers and had a naval hierarchy, pretty much everyone over the rank of captain was bugfuck insane and couldn't be trusted. Whenever a commodore appeared on the show, he was evil and manipulative and took over Enterprise and wanted to either commit genocide or make himself king of the Nazis or bring everyone along on a suicide mission or something.
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Commodore Decker, viewing a screener of Star Trek: Into Darkness
Starfleet is actually a post-revolutionary social structure, sort of like the voluntary militias during the Spanish Civil War. So you can fuck whomever you like, get an assignment on a starship by pouting and saying "I'm supposed to be here. George said it was cool," borrow ships and just poke around Jupiter, etc. Further, nobody can really get punished for doing bad stuff, there's so little security that a space-helicopter can just fly up to HQ and shoot out the windows, and there are ten-branflake admirals. (Seriously, check out the shoulders on Pike.)
Well, one of these admirals is tired of all this commie fag shit and as it turns out, he defrosted Bandersnatch—who is supersmart and superstrong—and asks him to design some badass starships. Bandy, being two-hundred years out of date on technology, says, "Uh...how about we make the spaceships even bigger. Bigger is cool right?" And then for reasons that remain obscure, Bandy got annoyed with the admiral and wanted his frozen confederates back. So he hid them in the torpedos...or was it the admiral who did that? And why didn't Bandy unfreeze them, since he was supersmart and clearly Starfleet has no security forces or inventory management protocols since it's After teh Revolution (teh typed, teh meant!) and all.
Oh, some stuff happens with this woman. There are also no locker rooms in space:
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On the one hand, everyone was upset by this gratuitous skin. On the other hand, it's the best thing in the movie, but only because the movie is terrible.
So Bandersnatch and Kirk fly through a videogame level to get on the big spaceship and they beat everybody up and then Bandersnatch beats up Kirk and there's a spaceship fight right next to the Earth but all the Starfleet guys are like, "Eh, whatever. Probably just the Trotskyists versus the Stalinists again. Let's not get involved," and then Spock says, "Hey, you probably want your torpedos back right," and Bandy is all like "Yeah, I sure do, my comrades are in them" but as it turns out Spock had them removed and then all the torpedos blow up and the spaceship crashes into Fisherman's Wharf and Bandersnatch jumps out and starts running and because there's no 911 After teh Revolution Spock personally beams down and chases after him, and then they have a space-karate fight on top of a flying garbage truck that looks like a pink bunny.
Oh, and by the way there was something wrong with the Enterprise so Kirk has to kickstart it and then he dies because of radiation poisoning (the whole engineering crew was running the other way), but it's okay because Bones tells Spock not to kill Bandersnatch Cummerbund because he needs the dude's magic superblood. As you may already know, dead people have plenty of blood in them, but nobody points this out. Uhura beams down to help Spock out because test audiences like it when chicks do stuff in the third act and then Kirk is okay. Sweet!
If it seems like a lot of stuff happened in this movie, rest assured that this is not the case. A good twenty minutes is spent running down corridors. Another ten is spent finding control panels and flipping various "manual override" switches. Six minutes are spent by characters threatening one another with the death of Everyone On the Ship. Seven minutes involve people yelling at Kirk for not following the rules, and three on Kirk grabbing his balls and saying "Deez rule!" Three minutes are spent on Bandersnatch Cummerband, ACTOR, gazing into the camera and thinking about his rraaaaaaage. Fifteen minutes is spent talking about theme, which is That It Is Okay To Break The Rules To Help People, But Not To Hurt People.
It's Also Okay To Make Up A Movie As You Go Along, As Long As Shit Blows Up. Apparently.
And now Kirk and crew are trying to shut down a volcano by dropping some "cold fusion" into it. (Note for non-scientists: cold fusion isn't stuff that freezes lava.) And this being Star Trek they just use their transporter, uh, I mean tractor beam, no no one of the many probes the ship is outfitted with, or was it a remotely piloted shuttle...nope, crew is in the shuttle for some reason, and they decide to lower Spock down, via a cable, with the magic beer cooler and then he has to press a button while down there amidst all the lava because egg timers haven't been invented in the 23rd century and and...
Anyway, this is an extremely stupid movie.
So the Enterprise is under the ocean—all the better to be killed by the volcano one supposes—and Kirk does something reckless and the Prime Directive is broken so he gets demoted down to junior cockface, first class. But, luckily, some random guy blows up an important Starfleet pile of bullshit with his explosive Alka Seltzer school ring in exchange for his daughter's life being saved by the magic blood of Bandersnatch Cummerband, ACTOR. Now, why didn't Joe Random just call the cops after getting the blood into his daughter, or even just kill himself? Well, I dunno. Anyway, it hardly matters because that's all just a trick to get a bunch of top Starfleet assholes together so that Bandersnatch can fly around in his stupid space-helicopter and shoot at them all because had he used the school ring trick twice it actually would have worked. Instead, Captain Pike dies and it's King Ralph all over again!
Kirk is back in charge of the Enterprise and he's after Bandersnatch, who is hiding out on the Klingon plant of Kronos, waiting to be captured so that he can start a war, which is odd because Bandersnatch really just wants his popsicled pals from 300 years ago, and they're on Earth and shit...aren't they? But Uhura gets to speak Klingon because test audiences like it when chicks do shit in the first act and help the heroes and such, but then all the Klingons die because Bandersnatch shows up because as it turns out his 71 fellow genetically gifted fuckfaces were actually smuggled onto The Enterprise inside photon torpedos. This is the space equivalent of shoving a balloon full of cocaine up your rectum, by the way—very dangerous.
One good thing about this movie, and I'll mention it now, is that it follows the original series in its anti-military theme. Though Starfleet was outfitted with phasers and had a naval hierarchy, pretty much everyone over the rank of captain was bugfuck insane and couldn't be trusted. Whenever a commodore appeared on the show, he was evil and manipulative and took over Enterprise and wanted to either commit genocide or make himself king of the Nazis or bring everyone along on a suicide mission or something.
Commodore Decker, viewing a screener of Star Trek: Into Darkness
Starfleet is actually a post-revolutionary social structure, sort of like the voluntary militias during the Spanish Civil War. So you can fuck whomever you like, get an assignment on a starship by pouting and saying "I'm supposed to be here. George said it was cool," borrow ships and just poke around Jupiter, etc. Further, nobody can really get punished for doing bad stuff, there's so little security that a space-helicopter can just fly up to HQ and shoot out the windows, and there are ten-branflake admirals. (Seriously, check out the shoulders on Pike.)
Well, one of these admirals is tired of all this commie fag shit and as it turns out, he defrosted Bandersnatch—who is supersmart and superstrong—and asks him to design some badass starships. Bandy, being two-hundred years out of date on technology, says, "Uh...how about we make the spaceships even bigger. Bigger is cool right?" And then for reasons that remain obscure, Bandy got annoyed with the admiral and wanted his frozen confederates back. So he hid them in the torpedos...or was it the admiral who did that? And why didn't Bandy unfreeze them, since he was supersmart and clearly Starfleet has no security forces or inventory management protocols since it's After teh Revolution (teh typed, teh meant!) and all.
Oh, some stuff happens with this woman. There are also no locker rooms in space:
On the one hand, everyone was upset by this gratuitous skin. On the other hand, it's the best thing in the movie, but only because the movie is terrible.
So Bandersnatch and Kirk fly through a videogame level to get on the big spaceship and they beat everybody up and then Bandersnatch beats up Kirk and there's a spaceship fight right next to the Earth but all the Starfleet guys are like, "Eh, whatever. Probably just the Trotskyists versus the Stalinists again. Let's not get involved," and then Spock says, "Hey, you probably want your torpedos back right," and Bandy is all like "Yeah, I sure do, my comrades are in them" but as it turns out Spock had them removed and then all the torpedos blow up and the spaceship crashes into Fisherman's Wharf and Bandersnatch jumps out and starts running and because there's no 911 After teh Revolution Spock personally beams down and chases after him, and then they have a space-karate fight on top of a flying garbage truck that looks like a pink bunny.
Oh, and by the way there was something wrong with the Enterprise so Kirk has to kickstart it and then he dies because of radiation poisoning (the whole engineering crew was running the other way), but it's okay because Bones tells Spock not to kill Bandersnatch Cummerbund because he needs the dude's magic superblood. As you may already know, dead people have plenty of blood in them, but nobody points this out. Uhura beams down to help Spock out because test audiences like it when chicks do stuff in the third act and then Kirk is okay. Sweet!
If it seems like a lot of stuff happened in this movie, rest assured that this is not the case. A good twenty minutes is spent running down corridors. Another ten is spent finding control panels and flipping various "manual override" switches. Six minutes are spent by characters threatening one another with the death of Everyone On the Ship. Seven minutes involve people yelling at Kirk for not following the rules, and three on Kirk grabbing his balls and saying "Deez rule!" Three minutes are spent on Bandersnatch Cummerband, ACTOR, gazing into the camera and thinking about his rraaaaaaage. Fifteen minutes is spent talking about theme, which is That It Is Okay To Break The Rules To Help People, But Not To Hurt People.
It's Also Okay To Make Up A Movie As You Go Along, As Long As Shit Blows Up. Apparently.